PHOENIX, ARIZONA–Longtime Macomb, Illinois resident and motorcyclist “Steely Dan” Harding, currently working at his company’s satellite campus located in Phoenix, Arizona, remarked he “loving the city’s new bike lane,” enabling him to “plow” through his respective morning and evening commutes like a flourishing farmer aboard a “well-endowed, shiny new John Deere tractor” at harvest time, clarifying: “that’s definitely a euphemism, meant especially for you, cutie” — the latter comment directed at TTT editorial intern Sarah Tauntingling, with a wink, orated as he flicked his lit cigarette at senior TTT reporters on the scene. Casually changing the subject amid a thick air of internal office awkwardness, Harding began his next comment with a roar: “The people of Phoenix are definitely one with bikers!” Insisting the office stereo system tune to ’80s Night Ranger rock anthem “Sister Christian,” “you know, that ‘motorin’!’ song” before he’d continue with his interview, we nonetheless begrudgingly obliged; the enthusiastic Harley elitist, clad in a worn leather jacket and raggedy jeans whose hue was closer to white now than true blue, stressed, if given the choice, he almost always prefers ditching congested lanes–reserved for traditional cars, trucks, and SUVs–for the city’s “ingenious bike fast lane,” which he described as “a quasi-Six Flags FLASH PASS you don’t have to pay for,” and  the “best timesaving hack since propping a dummy mannequin up in the passenger’s seat in order to sneakily use the carpool lane.” When questioned about the fairness of motorcycle “lane splitting” and other timesaving maneuvers, Harding erupted: “Make those cagers wait and breathe in the fumes of their own blind ignorance!” One small caveat of using said bike lane, Harding nevertheless conceded, were “all these flimsy framed bikes, operated almost exclusively by hipsters, that seem to have virtually no displacement, horsepower, or torque at all, as if to be peddle-driven or something, probably run on corn-starch, the commie-pansies!” He concluded: “These slow-moving–we’re talking molasses slow–bitch bikes (bicycles) can really slow me down, but you know me,” shifting his glance again to Tauntingling, “I plow on!” At press time, the Phoenix Police Department had issued a warrant for Harding’s arrest, on the grounds of an apparent attempted vehicular manslaughter and damage to property.

–TTT.