Chicago, IL–A local man who left a downtown Chicago dance club Sunday after a “three-day bender of nonstop legendary clubbin’ ” told reporters he could “not stop fist pumping” 48 hours after leaving the dance club, having, at that point, been awake for 5 consecutive days (besides a brief one-hour stint during which the young man’s fist continued to pump rhythmically to an apparently trance-like dream.
“I’m worried about him,” a friend of the rambunctious fist-pumper told members of the press, showing genuine concern. He went on:
I mean, that night was pretty fucking legendary, but enough was enough. I mean, when Fredrickson (the pair’s boss) called on him during the meeting to ask about a status report, I fully expected him to drop his fist and get back to business as usual, especially after the boss man asked him to ‘please, stop pumping your fist.’ But Jesse just kept on fist-pumping. I gotta hand it to the guy. He can pump a mean fist!
Jesse Johnson, a sales representative for a pharmaceutical company in Chicago’s loop who has a “passion for clubbin,'” has since requested professional psychiatric evaluation to determine the root of his “incessant fist-pumping.” When asked about his situation, Johnson shakily said though a clearly pained, broken consciousness: “I just want it to stop. It’s been days… weeks… I can still hear the bass bumping in the back of my mind, and my fist just pumps along to the beat. I’m worried I’m going to lose my job.”
At press time, Johnson’s eyes were shut, though tears ran freely down his cheeks, as he pumped his fist to a Shrillex-like bass-beat.