Bridgeport, Chicago–An area mortician recently entering the dating market was advised by a friend to “fudge the truth a little bit” when going on his first OKCupid date, the first in a slew of rejections. Barry Malcovich, 24, who recently finished mortuary school, considered the infantile nature of his budding career among the reasons justifying his lack of a social life. When asked why he didn’t date during college, the young man claimed that his schoolwork was the sole reason for his celibacy, adding that he has had nothing but “rotten luck” with respect to his failed love life. Taking the advice of his friend Chuck to lie about the various aspects of his life for which he is less than prideful, Malcovich escorted his date, Laura, into the “quaintest Chicago Italian restaurant she had ever seen,” determined to “woo her” with “impressive half-truths”– fabrications he hoped would eventually materialize into reality, in effect setting the foundation for a romance he’d hope would last for years to come. What soon followed, however, perhaps due to his inexperience lying, was a “series of horrendous missteps.”  When asked about where he works, Malcovich quickly responded “I’m a funeral director,” likely hoping to impress his date, though he hadn’t anticipated that the slight distinction in titles between Funeral Director and Assistant Funeral Directer was something Laura had little interest in defining for herself, “A trivial distinction,” Chuck would later tell his friend. “Why didn’t you just stick to simple: Tell her you were a business man? Chicks hear business man, they hear cash, and you’re set!” What’s worse, instead of simply answering, “So do you cook? Maybe you could cook for me,” with a simple yes or no, the poor amateur liar quickly divulged far too much of the wrong information: “Sure, you could come over for dinner anytime! My dad makes great chili! It’s bean chili!” To make matters worse,  when asked to clarify on his living arrangements, not only did he confirm his mortified date’s worst suspicion, but he also drove the nail in the  coffin: “Don’t worry, they’re super chill. I don’t think they’d mind if you spent the night, either! I’d have to run it by mom, but I’m sure they’d be down for a pajama party!”

-TTT