Chicago, IL–A local man, Greg Stintson, was reportedly stopped by “literally every goddamn fucking stoplight” on his evening commute Thursday, a commute that began pleasantly laden with #ThrowbackThursday reminiscing. “I was listening to Wilco’s early shit and thinking, ‘Man, I haven’t heard this in ages, and totally forgot how much they rule!'” The blissful singalong took a turn for the worse, however, when it became abundantly clear that karma had struck and Stintson’s normal “all green, all clear” fast-late trucking luck had ran out. “I mean, even on a bad night, I get stopped by a light here, a light there, but it’s usually reasonable, not like the universe is trying to tell me something.” After being stopped by the 15th consecutive red light, Stintson began cursing at fellow motorists. “It was like they were intentionally taking their sweet-ass time to hit the gas as the green went on, like they were trying to fuck me!” Stinston told reporters this became clearer when, at a particularly backed-up intersection, he was stopped three times in a row by the same stoplight, as cars inched their way toward the green as if by piecemeal. It was shortly thereafter that Stintson’s “dwindling accomplishments” became magnified. Stintson told reporters:

It was like, suddenly I was hyper-aware and super bummed out about the fact that I had to live with my parents until I was 35, how I now live alone with a cat that hates me, how I haven’t had a girlfriend in over 5 years, how my friends haven’t stayed in touch, and how none of my coworkers will agree to hang out with me outside of work. Like, the fuck?

Stintson, a 35 year old graphic designer employed by an amateurish local newspaper based out of a small town on the Illinois/Wisconsin border, had, at press time, been stopped by 30 consecutive stoplights on his evening commute; within mere miles of his Chicago apartment, having been tailgated aggressively by a raised pickup truck for the past 10 blocks despite traveling 20 miles over the speed limit, was seen on the side of the road threatening the driver of the vehicle with a crowbar: “I mean, the fucker took the last thing I had worth clinging to: my relaxing neighborhood cruise.”

-TTT