Volo, IL–Sources confirmed that at approximately 6:01 this morning, amidst an otherwise beautiful scene, some fucking asshole in traffic had his brights on. Cars on the two-lane blacktop transporting eager workaholics to their respective destinations were forced to carry on like nothing was wrong while this schmuck blared his brights like some entitled, syphilitic swine from the burbs, spewing his unreasonable demands as peasants waited for him on hand and foot. “He’s probably hard of vision,” they would tell themselves while this festering turd flashed his lights and bore down on each car for whose gradual acceleration he could not fathom a reason. “Why the fuck is this asshole driving so slowly?” he’d shout aloud as a driver would nearly lose control of his car and drive into a tree due to the blinding lights abruptly flashing in his rear-view mirror, only finding refuge after the prick sped his way onto the long-awaited off ramp, evoking ejaculatory wonder. At press time, sources confirmed that this no-good chump had forgotten he’d turned his brights on, but “didn’t see what the big deal was anyway.”

-TTT