Gurnee, IL–Jose Arriola, 87, of Round Lake Heights, IL, was reportedly taken into mall cop custody late Friday afternoon after security surveillance was gathered of the man “suspiciously wandering the Macy’s parking lot for 45 minutes.” “The old bastard was about to break into one of the cars–I just know it,” head of security Todd Weathers energetically told reporters, claiming Arriolla’s “insistence he couldn’t find his car” was a “load of bullshit.” A former gym teacher-turned security guard, Weathers informed reporters on the scene that Kevin James’s “shockingly convincing performance” is what inspired him to “join the force.” At press time, Arriolla, who was detained and claims to be the victim of “abhorrent abuse of power,” was embarrassed  to discover his 2002 Subaru Outback was likely in the opposite Macy’s parking lot, being told by mall staff “it happens all the time, a simple misunderstanding.”

-TTT