Overzealous security guard tackles coworker with transformative haircut, is fired

Hoffman Estates, IL–A local night club security guard was reportedly fired “over a huge misunderstanding” after tackling a coworker with whom he has worked for years Friday night, claiming: “I didn’t recognize him–honest! That hair cut… he looked like a completely different person. I thought he was breaking in!” George Stanton, 27, who has been long associated with his “epic glam metal hair” had come to his shift sporting a “miraculously  transformative haircut,” having visited Sports Clips right before his shift “just ‘cuz. I felt like doing something different, you know?” Turning several heads on his entrance into the club, which was in the preparation stages of their 6PM opening time, several of Stanton’s coworkers remarked on “how different he looked.” However, Hank Frankington, head bouncer of the night club, who had “recently finished watching a Donald Trump speech that got me understandably riled up,” responded more aggressively, diving clear over the bar top into Stanton and into an eruption of fury and thrown fists: “Who sent you, dammit?! Was it the illegals?! Or the taco truck vendors?!” Frankington was pulled off Stanton, after which he was promptly fired. “Listen, we can’t be employing people who are going to tackle a coworker whenever he or she visits the barber,” the club owner Scott Everley told reporters. “We just can’t be supporting that kind of behavior, nor can we in good conscience employ someone whose wild conjecture turns so easily venomous.”  Reports of Frankington since his firing have shockingly revealed a similar incident in which he tackled his mother to the floor shortly after she “got a new perm she was quite proud of.” Frankington, according to an unknown source, had been heard screaming intermittently between violent bludgeons: “Who are you and what the hell did you do with my mom!? I don’t have to put up with this, dammit! Your ass is getting deported and we’re going to build that wall to keep you out!”

-TTT

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