Rockford, IL–In preparation of their impending 10 year high school reunion, two old friends and former high school classmates are reportedly planning, “in excruciating detail,” a “month long, totally epic reunion tour” for a garage band they formed during their freshman year that nobody remembers nor cares about, the group’s bass player Gregg Abbot’s mother, Lisa, told reporters early Saturday morning. Feisty Handjobs, a duo featuring a distorted bass guitar and a vigorous tambourine played by next door neighbor James Hennessy, was described by Gregg’s mother as simply, “forgettable.” While classmates of Abbot and Hennessy confirm the elder Abbot’s claims of their dearth of noteworthiness with confused remarks like “who the fuck are the Feisty Handjobs?” and “isn’t that a dive bar in Cleveland?”, the duo are nonetheless “super stoked about the possibility of getting the band back together.” Self-proclaimed “lead bassist” of the two man, one-bassist, unit Abbot in particular expressed his delusions of grandeur on the eve of the pair’s high school reunion: “Though Principal Taylor said that we couldn’t play the reunion after sorting out that I wasn’t trying to come onto him, it struck me that we don’t need North-Southwestern Rockford High School–we’re gonna be playing sold out shows at the Roxy and all over this country and in Europe come September!” At press time, Abbot, an assistant manager at Wendy’s, called in to quit his job so that he could devote his entire life force to Feisty Handjobs and insisted his fellow band member Hennessy, a fine wine salesman, do the same.

-TTT