Press Release.

Hinsdale, IL–Jane Aurelio, a recent divorcee and retired corporate sales manager, sought the discount “expertise” of plastic surgeon Dr. Melvin Killjoy of Bargain Botox, Ltd. with hopes of “making me a desirable cougar again.” Aurelio, who “married rich, was professionally inept, and had no legitimate credentials to speak of,” was reviled by her subordinates until her long anticipated and celebrated retirement. Despite having a large fortune to her name, Aurelio was described by her ex-husband, the much more successful Alan Aurelio, as “unrelentingly cheap, laughably penny-pinching.” Consequently, Aurelio underwent countless “bargain” Botox procedures, unflinchingly unwilling to pay list price. The series of procedures, each one a correction of the last surgical misstep, struck Aurelio’s peers as “inexplicable stubbornness.” Joe Murillo, one of Aurelio’s longtime friends, commented: “By the time she was going to finish correcting all of that moron’s mistakes, she’d have spent as much as she would have on a single Botox surgery from a legitimate plastic surgeon who’d get it done right in one fell swoop. It’s idiotic–her thought process. She actually thought she was saving money.” Despite her many friends’ advice, however, Aurelio was steadfast in her bargain-hunting mentality, and, after some 47 surgeries, perished due to complications of her body rejecting extensive Botox injections. Aurelio’s ex-husband, who “wasn’t surprised of the knowledge of Jane’s passing,” was put in charge of the funeral services as “All of Jane’s family hate her.” Mr. Aurelio, who acknowledged “Jane’s corpse was hideous–her face, just godawful, my good lord,” opted to have a closed-casket service out of respect for the dead. Despite “being amused with the idea of an open-casket, that is, how people would react,” Aurelio nonetheless, as a Christian man, conceded a closed-casket ceremony was more appropriate, remarking he thought he “owed her at least that kindness.”

-TTT