Written by Incognito Pikachu, Guest Writer.
Since its incredibly successful debut early this month, Pokémon Go has met its share of praise, criticism, and game-related incidents. While many have taken to social media to express their excitement for features including the game’s outside-oriented play and focus on fitness and socialization, others have stressed the many dangers involved with this latest entertainment craze. Reports have already emerged involving players who have been robbed, fallen from large heights, and accused of disturbing the peace in many local neighborhoods. Most disturbing, however, is the most recent account from one local Midwest town where a man has been accused of animal cruelty in connection with the increasingly infamous app.
At 7:00 Sunday evening, Pokémon trainers Mandy and Zechariah were just making their way to the streets after a quick stop at Walmart for “provisions” when they were interrupted by a barrage of shouts and violent outbursts emanating from a man in the parking lot.
“It was like a Charizard on crack, like an AAAAUGHHHH!” Zechariah stated in an attempt to recreate the guttural scream.
“We all turned and saw this bearded man with a garbage bag running around throwing tennis balls and rocks and stuff at a cat,” Mandy stated, clearly disturbed by her experience. “I stepped in to protect the kitty, but he pushed me out of the way and yelled ‘Ideology!’ like a maniac and that we needed to ‘Escape!’ I immediately called 911.”
The man then reportedly scooped the cat into his arms and threw it into the garbage bag before exclaiming: “I captured its ideology! This! This is Pokémon hunting!”
When the police arrived at the scene, the man was attempting to climb an apartment complex further down the street where another unsuspecting feline had apparently been sighted. After a short tussle, which involved a shattered window and yells of “Ideology!” and “Never! You’ll never capture my ideology!,” the suspect was finally apprehended.
It has been confirmed that the suspect’s garbage bag contained two cats, three squirrels, one hamster, one large mouth bass, and a small dog. Sadly, only two of the animals have survived. The dog and one of the cats have been sent to a local animal shelter where they are currently being treated with the greatest care.
“It’s a sad case,” Chief of Police Jenny Offerman stated. “We’re currently working tirelessly to understand the motives behind this senseless act.” The suspect’s name will not be released to the public until more information is gathered concerning the crime. Pokémon Go developers, Niantic and The Pokémon Company, have not yet commented on the incident.
Ingognito Pikachu was previously a slave forced to live in a two-inch-in-diameter spherical cage and savagely fight his fellow Pokémon companions tirelessly for the sick entertainment of little children. After his “trainer,” who continuously stressed to be referred only as “Master,” mistakenly threw his capsule in an attempt to capture and enslave an unfortunate Caterpie, Incognito Pikachu escaped and has been running from the Pokémon Corporation ever since. In light of his struggles, Incognito Pikachu has dedicated his life to undermining the evils of capitalism through shocking investigative journalism and spreading the inspirational words of Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto.