A singed, eyebrowless Jon Hamm banished from Hollywood by angry mob. Declared “monster!”

eyebrowlessjonhamm
Jon Hamm, eyebrowless, banished from Hollywood as “monster!”

Press Release.

Hollywood, California–Famed actor Jon Hamm–well known for his performance as master ad man Don Draper–was seen fleeing his residence Wednesday night pursued by an angry mob wielding torches and pitchforks heard shouting “Monster! Leave, monster! You’re not wanted here!”

Hamm, who was at the time of the incident throwing a Better Call Saul watching party–attended by such celebrated actors as Kevin Spacey, Alexis Bledel,  and Bryan Cranston (and such hated actors as James Franco)–was set ablaze when attempting to extinguish a kitchen fire started by an unattended cooking pita bread.

At first concerned guests, actors Kevin Spacey and Bryan Cranston ran to Hamm’s savior, using a kitchen table cloth to put out the burning Hamm. However, a change in the actors’ behavior set afoot when the table cloth was removed, leaving only a singed, eyebrowless Jon Hamm which immediately struck shock and horror in the actors.

Alexis Bledel, perhaps most viscerally affected by the unveiling, almost instantly bolted from the apartment distraught, her terrified shrieks surely causing neighbors to worry about the goings-on of Jon Hamm’s apartment.

“It was horrible,” Bledel, grief-stricken, said, recalling the incident, still shaking hours later. “It wasn’t Jon anymore. It was something else, something awful and without remorse.” The foreboding image of Jon Hamm without eyebrows, “monstrous, grotesque,” as Cranston described it, is sure to haunt all attendees for months, maybe years, to come.

Alexis Bledel, who met Hamm while guest starring on Mad Men, is perhaps better known for her portrayal of Rory Gilmore on the much adored mother-daughter show, Gilmore Girls. Bledel’s costar, Lauren Graham, has been comforting Bledel since the incident and commented that “Hamm should be ashamed of himself.”

While Graham admitted that she was surprised how viscerally affected Bledel was by Hamm’s surprising horrible ugliness, hidden by his former pronounced eyebrows, as Bledel herself has been known for having horrible taste in men, having married Mad Men costar Vincent Kartheiser, whose receding hairline was described by Graham as “hauntingly unfortunate.” Graham, however, showed Hamm no sympathy, considering the star’s deception–that is, hiding his true ugliness under his well known, fan adored eyebrows–“within a moral gray area at best, at worst an unforgivable, hideous secret.”

Upon Bledel’s terrified exit from Jon Hamm’s residence, Hamm was chased by former party guests-turned enemies, unanimously demanding the actor leave. On the street, the actors were soon joined by some 100 passers-by, wielding torches and pitchforks, shouting cruel insults at the once adored actor. “Leave!” shouted the enraged crowd. “You’re a monster! Inhumane! Leave, monster! You’re not wanted here!”

Hamm, who has since been banished from Hollywood, has, according to his perhaps last Twitter tweet ever, taken up residence in a cave, its locale which has not been disclosed.

 

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