ORVILLE, OH – The J. M. Smucker Company, owners of the Jif® brand of peanut butter, announced early Tuesday morning that they would rebrand the iconic peanut butter to “Jef,” and had retained the services of famous Hollywood actor Jeff Goldblum – known for his roles in high-grossing films like Jurassic Park and Independence Day, as well as for being quite handsome, mysterious, and debonair – as the official spokesperson for the brand. “Look, Jeff’s a handsome guy,” said Mark Smucker, CEO of J. M. Smucker Company. “I’ve long looked at him with wonton desire, as we all do – hell, I’ll admit, that as a straight man who is comfortable with his sexuality, I’ll tell you, I’ve held a man’s gaze; I’m not ashamed of it” (making an apparent reference to the British horror parody, Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace). “Jeff has that kind of inescapable magnetic pull, and we’re just thrilled that we were able to pull him in for this gig.”

It had been reported in Fast Company earlier that Jif® had rebranded in a more subdued fashion, with updated packaging that Fast Company had described as “done right,” applauding the brand’s “restraint.”

Below is the restrained Jif® rebrand that was pulled shortly after the Fast Company story ran:

“Look, we all know what happened to Cracker Barrel. Being accused of having ‘restraint’ should be a home run, right? It sounds counterintuitive to mess with decent press, but flying under the radar could be just as much of a kiss of death, ” explained Jif® Head of Brand Marketing Jumboni Rigatoni. “We needed to do something bold, and Jeff is the man to deliver it.” At press time, Rigatoni had gone into great length about the thought process behind the rebranding, noting, “A single color swatch normally takes us months, but we knew we had to strike when the iron was hot, baby!” He went on:

“You see, we removed the letter ‘i’ from ‘Jif’ and replaced it with an ‘e,’ to ‘Jef,’ which sounds like the male forename, Jeff. You see, that’s where I got the idea for hiring someone named Jeff as our spokesperson, and what better “Jeff” is there than American’s beloved Jeff Goldblum? Everything else fell into place after that: our “creamy” blend of peanut butter paired perfectly with Mr. Goldblum’s creamiest of scenes. For our “natural” blend, I just googled “Jeff Goldblum in nature” and had our designer drop him in – doesn’t get any more natural than that, right? Goldblum in nature. And then for “crunchy,” I just found a photo of Jeff looking nice and sharp! Anywho, yeah. That’s pretty much how it came about. What are you doing in my office again?”

-TTT.