TTT reporters on the ground in the following cities have curated your top stories for February 25th, 2025:
- CUPERTINO, CA: Tim Cook Legally Changes Name to Tim Apple ↩︎
- NATIONAL HARBOR, MD: Elon Musk Unwittingly Slaughters CPAC Crowd with Chainsaw ↩︎
- OFF THE COAST OF THE “GULF OF AMERICA”: Voters Unhappy “President” Golfing Inside Belly of Whale ↩︎
- WASHINGTON, D.C.: Trump Plans Beheadings, Targeting Radical Left “Witches” ↩︎
Tim Cook Legally Changes Name to Tim Apple 1
CUPERTINO, CA—In an unexpected turn and display of complete cowardice, the CEO of Apple, Tim Cook, announced that he had legally changed his name to “Tim Apple.” The move signals the culmination of a rocky relationship with the current American Dictator, Donald. J. Trump, who once referred to Cook as “Tim Apple.” Some have speculated that Cook’s sudden legal name change has been a display of cowardice to the current American Dictator Donald J. Trump, as the tech CEO has recently announced a $500 billion U.S. investment in talent to support its operations while skirting the tariffs Trump is obsessed with but doesn’t understand.
Others have speculated whether the CEO of one of the most valuable companies in the world had self-selected being called “Tim Apple” as a way to ease the burden on the dementia-ridden current American Dictator. “It would be easier for Trump, to not have to remember a name like ‘Cook’ when Tim runs Apple. Why not just make it easy for ole Donnie,” one Reddit user joked.
Either way, Trump liked the gesture, calling the name change “Tremendous!” Trump also suggested that Tim wear a plush Apple hat, which can be purchased on Amazon. “It would complete the ensemble,” Trump explained. Trump refused to acknowledge if wearing the plush Apple head garment would make remembering the CEO formerly known as Tim Cook easier.
Elon Musk Unwittingly Slaughters CPAC Crowd with Chainsaw 2
NATIONAL HARBOR, MARYLAND—Elon Musk was reportedly attending the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) conference when the dweeb, 4Chan troll equivalent of Tony Stark unwittingly slaughtered the entire crowd with a chainsaw that had been handed to him as a gift by Argentina’s President Milei.
Musk, apparently unfamiliar with chainsaw operation and safety, wielded the chainsaw over his head, geekily referring to it as the “chainsaw for bureaucracy,” before “jokingly” yanking the ignition pull string while saying, “Is this thing on?”, pausing only to giggle. Musk then pulled the trigger and, unaware of the portable handheld power saw’s sheer power, apparently lost control of the saw. Musk almost immediately took Milei’s hand clear off before being physically pulled by the saw into the crowd, unable to stop the saw from slaughtering the entire crowd of CPAC attendees.
After the saw finally began to slow down to a sputter, seemingly out of gas, Musk regained control of the saw before shutting it off. “It’s got a lot of torque,” said Musk with an awkward laugh.
The tech billionaire, who once mused about spending $6 billion to end world hunger but didn’t follow-through and instead ran a beloved social media brand into the ground, stared into the crowd at the carnage left behind of the dead and disfigured.
“Oops!” Musk laughed. “Well, some of these are probably government employees. Already ahead of schedule!”
Trump Voters Unhappy President Golfing Inside Belly of Whale 3
OFF THE COAST OF THE “GULF OF AMERICA”—American voters and marine wildlife advocacy groups reportedly expressed “deep concern” for current American Dictator Donald J. Trump’s lack of action in “fixing the economy” and appalling cruelty toward aquatic life as he has been more interested in playing golf inside the belly of a whale than fixing America’s problems, like “groceries,” which earned him his election despite the American electorate apparently not understanding basic economics.
Trump, who previously was convicted on 34 felony counts, initially fled the country, feeding himself to a whale in an attempt to evade prosecution. He lived inside the belly of that whale for four years. However, realizing he could win an election on America’s tendency to be misinformed and incapable of understanding basic economics (while also being incredibly racist and sexist), Trump planned his return to the White House.
Since taking office, however, Trump’s voters have expressed their regrets, and the current American Dictator’s approval rating has slipped as Americans have feared the economy worsening despite voting for the very man who vowed to “tariff” their economy into oblivion.
“Gulf” of America” a Ruse to Drum Up Business for New Golf Course
To much of the country’s chagrin, Trump has participated in golfing outings rather than doing the job he claimed he wanted, even going so far as to claim remote workers are actually golfing, then again hitting the links in Florida.
Trump’s golfing excursions have more recently gone south of America, to the Gulf of Mexico, which Trump recently renamed to the “Gulf of America” in an apparent ruse to drum up interest and business at his new golf course: The Golf of America: International Aquatic Golf Course and Gift Shop, which Trump rehabbed from the carcass of the whale he once fed himself to in an attempt to escape prosecution for the many crimes he’s committed and been convicted of.
Trump Plans Beheadings, Targeting Radical Left “Witches” 4
WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA—The Trump Dictatorship announced Tuesday that women who were not in compliance with the recent executive order eliminating the female gender would be considered “willful practitioners of witchcraft” and sentenced to death by “beheading.”
The administration has targeted what it considers the “Radical Left Agenda” for priority elimination, using the justice department to seize democratic congresswomen they believe are assisting in evading the executive order.
Border czar Tom Homan, who has previously questioned whether American congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (AOC) was breaking the law in helping migrants evade deportation, said AOC should be the first to go, to send a signal:
“Do I think she’s a witch? Absolutely! We men have to band together, eliminate toxic witchcraft from our country, outlaw pornography, and then just maybe put on some Barry White or Marvin Gay (so long as we pretend they’re in white face), and make sweet love to each other!”
-TTT.
The Thirsty Thespian 