NOTE: reporting took place live on the scene Sunday, February, 9th, and delayed to publication with the following Friday issue.

KANKAKEE COUNTY, IL—an area diner, whose uncharacteristic menu has included exotic entrées intended to drum up customers (including saganaki locals have been raving about for some six years), was officially shut down Sunday afternoon; the restaurant, which is officially characterized on Yelp with the label “Saganaki Joint,” became popular due to the introduction of its most popular appetizer, saganaki, which is a kind of pan-seared greek cheese, traditionally Flambéed in front of customers.

A Diner in Disrepair Had Controversial History

The restaurant, however, has been criticized for its poor quality control issues, its head chef even admitting they’ve substituted the traditional Graviera cheese for an assortment of nondescript dairy products, sometimes poorly refrigerated and rotting cheeses that are then prepared improperly using lighter fluid. These issues were hotly shredded by food critics. Though not reported at the time due to an ongoing lawsuit with the restaurant proprietor barring it from being aired, an episode of Kitchen Nightmares shot shortly before the pandemic featured famed reality chef Gordon Ramsay reaming the restaurant staff for a whole host of issues:

You have got to be fucking kidding me! This has got to be the most disgusting excuse for saganaki I’ve ever seen in my bloody British life. You’re using that moldy cheese? It’s not even the right cheese, mate! Absolute rubbish!

Gordon Ramsay, criticizing the saganaki prepared at Dino’s Diner during an unaired episode of Kitchen Nightmares

Head line cook Gabe “Shake Shake” Shaker, who prepared the plate for Ramsay, was seen taking the brunt of Ramsay’s criticism, and deleted scenes show the culinary enthusiast teary eyed in devastation. “It’s tough,” Shaker told TTT reporters. “When you meet your heroes, you want to do them right. But I let Gordo down. It’s devastating.”

Ramsay, who caught the end of Shaker’s tearful lament showed no remorse, approaching Shaker with an outstretched, forceful arm, an accusatory stare, menacing pace, and gravely yell. “You, chump, are the downfall to greasy spoon dining culture! Why don’t you quit, you two-bit microwave cook, and shake-shake-shake your booty on outta here!” Ramsay, TTT reporters are told, was making a comical, cultural reference to a KC & The Sunshine Band song, “[Shake, Shake, Shake] Shake Your Booty,” apparently presumed by Ramsay to be the source of Gabe Shaker’s affectionate nickname, “Gabe “Shake Shake” Shaker,” though we were unable to verify if this song was indeed the origin of Gabe’s nickname.

Ramsay also took issue with the diner’s poor aesthetics, ratty booths, unkempt tablecloths, dubiously bussed tables, and overall disrepair. He noted of the diner’s low ceilings:

“I’m not even sure this dump is zoned for saganaki! The ceiling is barely 10 feet! And those ratty window drapes. This is an accident waiting to happen, mate – tell me, bloke, are you that dense?! Absolute rubbish, this place! Completely classless! Tell me, who’s among your clientele? Who would eat at this bloody dump and joke on American culture? Donald Trump?

Current Day – Culinary Memories Buried Under a Pile of Rubble as Diners Mourn the Weight of the Community’s Loss

The restaurant, which has been seemingly shuttered for years, apparently only officially closed this past Sunday; its owner denies having shut down during the pandemic. When TTT reporters arrived on scene, all that was left was an empty lot and a smoky pile of smoldering rubble, still hot from the night before.

Ambulances departed in both directions as we pulled into the lot, and the only soul on scene was nightshift waitress, Maureen Fairchild. She appeared to be in tattered garbs, her face caked in dust, and while possibly suffering smoke inhalation, she answered our questions in between drags on a barely survived pack of menthols she had managed to find in the rubble.

Here’s how Fairchild remembered the events of the prior night:

“An out-of-towner, big shot, think he was some sort of executive from Milwaukee, came in quite overdressed, in a suit and tie. I remember asking him, ‘Who died?’ to which, he said he’s a saganaki connoisseur, had read the rave reviews on Yelp and in some underground Milwaukee paper, ‘Thunder from Down Under,’ and just had to try our ‘globby, greek Gruyère,’ which apparently Gabe had posted was the type of cheese he was using in the Saganki on a post to the Diner’s Facebook page – “had found a chunk of it thrown away from the supermarket down the road, a real find!”

Fairchild told TTT reporters the patron “kept going to the bathroom, and there were godly awful sounds coming from in there – and the smells, just rotten. Smelled like something had crawled up his ass and died!” By this description, TTT reporters were able to verify the diner was Duck Egleton, a gassy executive who’s struggled with flatulence his whole career.

Fairchild explained, “I was skeptical, giving a patron with that kind of preexisting condition a plate of hot, stinky cheese for a meal, but he was insistent, so I relented.”

“I just wanted to get home to my dumb son who was likely playing that darn x-box,” she added, tearing up.

The chain of events that Fairchild explained happened next is nothing short of horrific:

“Gabe brought out the cheese plate, he did the thing, you know, yelled out, ‘OPA!’ The cheese erupted. But the poor guy must’ve been nervous, because he let out a squeaker… it was too darn close to that hot cheese plate. The open flame roared hotter, fiercer, the flames grew taller, angry, gassy flames! They caught onto the drapes, and soon the whole wall was covered in yellow and red, then the ceiling – we were completely engulfed in that fart-inflamed fire! It smelled horrible! And we all thought we were going to die, but the firefighters got there, and by god, they saved us, but they couldn’t stop themselves from making comments about the god awful stench!

Nightshift waitress Maureen Fairchild explains the scene

At press time, Fairchild was still shaken up. “I don’t know what I’m going to do now, outta a job, I guess you could say,” she remarked, somberly. “But I guess you could also say, this one,” she said with a half-smile, pointing and cracking up at the pile of rubble where Dino’s Diner once stood, “It was all but a gas!”

-TTT.