Kankakee County, IL–An area diner’s recent inclusion of an atypical, exotic menu item, saganaki, has sparked a trend among high school students seeking a taste of the high life. The appetizer was added in an effort to spice up the restaurant’s mundane menu and branch out to attract a more sophisticated clientele amidst dwindling business.
Despite its aim at sophistication, the restaurant’s new inclusions have perpetuated the diner’s banal culture, with the exception of its popularity among one nearby high school’s amateur film enthusiasts.
“Saganaki! Saganaki! Saganaki!” chants echo past 2 am near the entrance of Dino’s Diner, as a group of students flood out of a 1994 Ford Escort Wagon.
“I know this great saganaki joint,” Stanley “Coppola” Copey (as he’s referred to by his adoring fans), an aspiring filmmaker and senior at Kankakee High School, often advertises the diner’s saganaki to his fellow classmates and acquaintances. “I love going to Dino’s to discuss film projects with my friends over a flaming hot plate of saganaki!” Copey, who spurred much of Dino’s recent patronage, considers the restaurant top-of-the-line, despite having reportedly never been to a legitimate Greek restaurant, as the Greek offerings in rural Kankakee County, Illinois are slim pickings.
Seasoned nightshift waitress, Maureen Fairchild, finds the restaurant’s new menu additions and recent patrons far less charming. Fairchild commented:
These kids come in at 2 in the morning, they order saganaki, talk loudly about movies I’ve never heard of.. I gotta pull a double shift at Walmart after this. I don’t got time to light a plate of cheese on fire. Plus, I got to support three kids and my middle one won’t stop playing the x-box.
Head line cook Gabe “Shake Shake” Shaker is also unhappy with the restaurant’s recent clientele. Requested to make a comment as he exited the kitchen, Shaker, with a cigarette tucked behind his ear, emphatically lamented: “These friggen (sic) filmheads come all hopped up on mountain brewskies (mountain dew) craving massive amounts of hot cheese. We don’t even have the right cheese. What, do we look like some exotic Greek palace? All of our other patrons are crack heads and alcoholics. We just use whatever cheese we got lying around–mozzarella, Swiss, American.” The incensed cook added: “We just douse it in lighter fluid and watch it blaze. I think these kids are gonna get really sick.”
At press time, iconic high school film director Stanley Copey was discovered anguished, vomiting onto the freshly mopped diner floor, as admiring freshman fans watched in horror.
When asked to comment, assistant line cook Fernando Cortez replied, “¿Por qué me haces preguntas?”