April 7, 2022thirstythespian

Locals chime in about “dumbass” living in van

Macomb area resident, “Crazy” Dave Jonze Edwina Davina’s Child III has reportedly parted with all his belongings to pursue “a van life.”

MACOMB, IL—A recent town council meeting got heated after residents found out that an insane area man had quit his post as Head Janitorial Staff and Professor of Escapist Ideology at the local fine dining establishment, Yummy Chen’s, and vacated his residence (a cardboard box beside a dumpster in the back alley next to Sullivan Taylor’s Coffee House, where he also served as “Visiting Professor Emeritus of Escaping ‘That There!'”), to pursue a life in a rundown Chevy Astro Van.

“Crazy” Dave Jonze Davina Edwina’s Child III, PhD traded a lonely widow a sack full of stray cats he had gathered in the alleyways of Macomb in exchange for the Astro Van, reportedly citing “gentrification and ideological rent” as the primary contributors to vacating his residence; backrent on Jonze’s cardboard box had exceeded $9.27, his landlord had noted.

“Van life,” a growing phenomenon that has led many young people, tired of having worked for one day, to take to Instagram to become instafamous, and even resulted in the tragic slaying of young woman at the hands of her boyfriend.

Town residents have chimed in with their opinions on the growing trend, and what it means for the surrounding community.

“I don’t understand these chumps. ‘Van life,’ that shit’s for touring, and it ain’t no picnic!” -John “Jack” P. Wiggleman, Local musician
“Living… in a van? Sounds like a hippie that doesn’t pay taxes.” – Charles O’Leary, Member of Local American Legion Post
“No uh. You’re not getting me living in no van. That’s how that poor little thing got murdered—and that was supposedly her significant other who did the murdering?!” – Roshida Bennett, Local Business Owner   
“You know who lives in vans? Bums! Get a job, you dirty hobo!” – Delores Westerberg, Mother of 5   
“Vans, especially white ones with no windows, are kinda creepy.” – Marianne Westerberg, Teenage Daughter of Delores
“‘Sppose a shaggin’ wagon wouldn’t be free from the ‘unreasonable search and seizures’ on account of having wheels, but let me get back to you after I talk to my lawyer.”  – Manny Filch, Area Petty Thief
“And I thought tiny houses were stupid, but you’re telling me there’re folks who actually want to live in a space that’s even tinier, all cramped up in a van that doesn’t have running water, nor a place to shower or take a shit? Sounds to me like a dumbass if there ever was one!”  – Red O’Shaughnessy, Local Poet & Gas Station Attendant  

-TTT.