GRAND CANYON NATIONAL PARK, AZ–A group of rowdy bikers reportedly caused havoc and stimulated fear among fellow tourists embarking on an excursion of the Grand Canyon in Arizona early Tuesday morning. The tour down the steep-sided canyon’s some 277 mile descent is typically carried out on donkeys and mules, at a modest pace, which allows for tour guides to point out landmarks as guests leisurely take photos. However, this scenic serenity was quickly disrupted when a gang of Midwestern bikers–on their way toward the west coast–arrived at the Grand Canyon demanding their own accommodations at the the irk of park employees and visitors.
Informed of the tour’s protocol for transportation mode–this exchange muffled by the loud, unmuted reverberating of v-twin engines sharply ejected from straight exhaust pipes–appears to be the source of the bikers’ agitation, as they quickly refused to dismount their motorcycles and, rather, made their case by obnoxiously rolling on throttles.
When asked to make a comment regarding their intransigence, gang leader Joe Jorgin erupted: “They’re not even real horses! I won’t be caught dead on one of those pansy ponies,” the tattooed, beer-bellied tough guy clad in torn jeans and leather accents explained while expelling a colorful belch. He then proceeded to reach into one of his saddlebags and pull out a Heineken while lighting a cigarette. During this brief pause in the trek, Harold Blumberg, a 47-year-old accountant from Dayton, OH, dismounted his donkey to admire Jorgin’s Road King, which caused Jorgin to explode on the poor, balding man: “Get lost, pipsqueak! You wouldn’t know freedom if it bit you in the pocket protector and you couldn’t handle REAL freedom!”
At press time, the rest of the tour group, consisting of mainly mild-mannered, middle-aged tourists and their children, remained cordial while holding minor reservations: “Do their motorbikes have to be so loud? And do they have to follow so closely? It’s a matter of safety.” Ruth Ginsburger, a mother of 3, remarked, to which Jorgin rebutted: “These jamokes are puny folks. We have a need for speed and, if they can’t stand the heat, get out of the canyon!”