Sandwich, IL–A local “karate master,” Keith Horowitz, 38, who has bestowed upon himself such fine honors as “the world’s most powerful warrior,” met his perhaps most ruthless challenger yet: a large piece of plywood that his father had left over from building a clubhouse in the backyard. Horowitz, who is employed as assistant manager of Sandwich’s most prized exporter and aptly named, Sandwich’s Sandwiches, has also practiced karate at the small town’s only Dōjō before being banned for, while vigorously karate chopping a punching bag, retracting his hand backward too far to inadvertently strike a visiting mother; Horowitz nonetheless practices karate as an independent “vigilante of justice.” A “threatening” plywood plank, a known aggressor and mercenary of evil in the town of Sandwich–what Horowitz’s father Howard confirmed was taken by Horowitz from a leftover pile of plywood used while constructing his younger sister’s backyard clubhouse–was the initiator of Horowitz’s aggressive attack, known by locals as “the fist of fury.” However, it would appear that Horowitz was vanquished when said plywood plank countered with “the splinter of a thousand sorrows,” which sources confirmed inflicted upon Horowitz’s “golden fist of intensity… a wicked splinter that will probably keep Keith from maintaining justice in our town for god knows how long, or at least until he’s able to fish the pesky splinter out with a pair of tweezers.” At press time, Horowitz was holding and massaging his fist while glaring at his victorious challenger with anger yet astonishment: “Splinters, my only weakness. How ever did you know?”