Glendale Heights, IL–Local drummer, Charlie Appleton, of Glendale Heights’s own death metal super-group, Catastrofuck, firmly argued his case for purchasing a 2016 Dodge Caravan, the very act which brought “unending” scorn upon himself  from the fellow members of his lewdly named heavy metal unit. “Catastrofuck is all about gettin’ laid, killin’ 40s, and shreddin’ legendary riffs, and Chuck goes off and buys a soccer mom van,” said Catastrofuck guitarist Jeremy Yates, visibly upset, before “slamming” a 40 oz. Bud Light. Despite apparently being the victim of the band’s constant jeering–the content of which ranges from questioning his sexuality to likening his preparedness to that of a “lame soccer mom, not even a hot one”–Appleton is convinced his purchase was a “responsible and practical” one. He noted: “Look, it’s only three of us in the band, but we’ve got a Marshall half stack, two Ashdown 4x10s, and with the drums, lying the seats in the back down, we’ve still got ample room to get to the show in one go. I know Jeremy and David think it’s not very stylish or cool, but this Dodge is a great investment. Great fuel economy, safety features, and barely any miles on it. It was a steal!” At press time, the other members of Appleton’s music collective were preparing an elaborate “pantsing” of the “fairy scout leader.”

-TTT