Orange, NJ–Derek Libido, a small-time New Jersey performer who proudly, if mistakenly, describes himself as a method actor, has written to the local papers to complain that their coverage of his latest “masterpiece” was “either completely nonexistent or unjustly mean-spirited.” A former “acting major” at the “prestigious” Chevy Chase Community College (Southwest Orange campus), Libido dropped out during his first semester after receiving a D on his first assignment–a performance his instructor called “as derivative as it was contrived, vacuous.” Through pained tears, Libido called the whole experience “a waste of time,” going so far as to say: “they were putting limitations of my craft, suppressing it. I had to get out of there.” A fan of Jared Leto, “especially his latest masterpiece as the Joker in the brilliant Suicide Squad,” Libido described the critical backlash to the film as “pathetic. They’re just jealous of how awesome Jared is.” Taking influence from Leto, Libido has, among other things including sending unrequited love letters, dedicated his latest role to the actor. The film he directed, wrote, and starred in, entitled “Belligerent,” features 4 “unwatchable” hours in which Libido “method acts” as a drunk, though the performance was considered by even his closest friends as “not particularly believable at all.” The small-budget film that was shot entirely on his cell phone camera–a shoddy $12 flip phone he bought off his old high school janitor–has been almost completely missed by the critical eye, which Libido explained as “a national tragedy.” Of the critics that have somehow come into contact with the film, the consensus states that “this ‘film’ is a horrendous turd from the abyss, a film that makes Tommy Wiseau look like the next Orson Welles.” Responding to the critics’ opinions of his film, Libido complained that “If they only knew how much I put into that role. I lived that drunkard for 6 months. I got arrested. I threw a beer bottle at a cop! The sacrifices I made are unprecedented. I should be proclaimed the next Daniel Day-Lewis. It just sucks, you know, you put so much into something, and they tear it apart in a couple of words.” In a whiny rant, he concluded that he is “misunderstood” and that his “art is just lost on them.” Dr. Ulysses Bozeman, Libido’s former acting teacher, had this to say:

He’s at it again, the whiner. He is incapable of taking constructive criticism. Just because you put your heart and soul into a role doesn’t mean the performance is any good or believable. Effort doesn’t make you a good actor. You write a mediocre essay that you spent weeks researching and, to your mind, carefully constructing, but that effort doesn’t change the fact that the essay is mediocre–though I acknowledge your effort, you still get a mediocre grade.

At press time, Derek Libido was penning his outraged thoughts about his former professor’s constructive criticism, and posting it to Reddit: “He’s a hack! He’ll never understand the significance of my talent.”

-TTT