Woodstock, IL–“Got to get it just right,” said seemingly strung out local guitarist Kyle Loffler to an impatient crowd. Loffler, who had reportedly smoked a “fat doobie” prior to taking the stage, was in a haze before a meager crowd of 7 annoyed show-goers who were “ready to get on with the show already.” A heavy smoker, Loffler, with a checking account nearing the dreaded “insufficient funds” status, apparently opted to pick up a pack of cigarettes instead of a much needed new set of strings. Breaking the seal on a fresh pack of cigarettes to take the first, blissful drag, Loffler bargained to himself, “These old boys’ll do me good,”as he began strumming on a guitar whose strings had already lost most of their metallic coating, their tone a dull rattle, unable to keep their tune. Loffler, having already purchased the cigarettes and unwilling to go back now, began unconvincingly reminiscing about how many gigs those “bad boys” had gotten him through, adding: “Plus, I’ll look much cooler with a smoke in my mouth.” The guitarist had been tuning the same string for the last 20 minutes, having at one point lost awareness of his surroundings, just zoning out. “Would you finish already?!” cried Loffler’s former high school classmate, Ned Taylor, who had made a last minute appearance in the music venue having come off a 10-hour shift at the convenient store he manages. “I want to hear some damn music already!” Upon finally tuning his guitar and regaining consciousness, Loffler asked that the audience to “please be patient” as he proceeded back stage to drop a hit of acid in preparation for “one epic performance.” At press time, the crowd was complaining about Loffler’s “guitar growing progressively out of tune” within the first song of the band’s set.

-TTT