Breaking News: Trump drops out of presidential race

Press Release.

With Clinton’s victory in yesterday’s final round of presidential primaries, it appears, to the utter dismay and outrage of Sanders supporters everywhere, that she has finally secured her spot as the Democratic nominee.  The news did not shock anyone, especially the Superdelegates who released her winning status on Monday before a single vote from the remaining states was placed at the polls.  Remarkably, however, Donald Trump has announced that in light of recent events, he must “decline” his Republican nomination, and that incredibly, “I endorse Hillary for president.  Even though she looks like a lizard.”

Trump continued:

“It was a good run, but I’m tired of all the whiners, ‘wahh wahh wahh! He hurt my feelings!’  They’re like a bunch of women at a shoe store.  It’ll good to be back to firing anyone I like at Trump Tower, though I’ll miss the spotlight.  I liked that.”

When asked for his reasoning behind this jaw-dropping decision, Trump replied:

“Let me tell you, I am the best candidate for president.  Everyone knows I would make a great president.  Ask anyone.  The Mexicans, the Muslims, the Blacks… they all love me.  But, she (Hillary) agreed to write me a small loan of ten billion dollars if I dropped out after she won (the nomination).  This was last June.  Before I announced my running.  Everyone knows I honor my promises.”

Trump continued:

“She said she needed an actor and if I could act, and I said ‘Act?  You’re looking at a legend!’ let me tell you, and she said ‘How would you like it if I invested in The Trump Organization?’ I told her, ‘I’m the best business man who ever lived, why do I need your help?’ And she said, “How would you like a small loan of ten billion dollars?’ And of course, I accepted.  I don’t need the money, but when someone offers it for free, you take it.  I’m no idiot!”

When asked about the status of the wall, Trump commented:

“Mark my words, we will still build the wall.  I’ll round up all the Mexicans, judges and all, and send them down to the border and order them to start working.  Who knows, Hillary may make me her running mate when I go Democrat again.  Everything I said will happen.  Mark my words.  Look at me.  Do I look like a liar to you?  Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you I’m more honest than Gandhi.”

Republicans have reacted both favorably and unfavorably to Trump’s announcements and are scrambling to secure a new nominee before Hillary gains too much political grounding.  Mitt Romney, Ted Cruz, and John Kasich are likely to emerge once more as ideal candidates.

An investigation is also underway in regard to the apparent “ten billion dollar loan” exchanged between Clinton and Trump.  Possible criminal charges are in discussion.  Clinton has not commented on her most recent controversy, though the Democratic Party has denied any wrongdoing on part of their likely nominee.