Written by Michal Sandersoninski, Staff Writer.

City of Lost Spines, Illinois–Despite holding the academic degree and professional designation “civil engineer,” city officials were dismayed to find out how rude a professional engineer they hired to build a new bridge actually is. Jimmy Anderson, a prolific engineer who graduated at the top of his class from the renowned University of Illinois-Urbana Champaign School of Engineering before stringing together a series of iconic roads and bridges that signify the Jimmy Anderson name, is perhaps better known for his at times jarringly ill-mannered, no nonsense approach to dealing with clients and projects.

“Jimmy was well recommended to us, and his credentials speak for themselves,” said city mayor John Snow, who called Anderson’s style “a total let-down,” going on to say, “We assumed that he would be civil, a professional. But we soon found out that he is anything but civil. Let me be the first to tell you: he is an uncivil engineer!”

Snow discussed the incivility of Anderson’s correspondence being tied in part to his curtness. However, Snow commented that it has been Anderson’s interpersonal, at times exceedingly unpleasant, behavior that comes across on the job site that has led to the bulk of Snow’s torments. Snow, for instance, who simply asked a question about Anderson’s choice in materials, was taken aback by Anderson’s overly confrontational tone: “What are you, stupid!? I’m saving you money, jackass!” Shortly after this incident Anderson was temporarily suspended from the job site, to continue his work from an undisclosed remote location, after punching out an intern he viewed as “colossally incompetent and physically off-putting, grotesque.” Snow, who has been between a rock and a hard place on the matter of keeping Anderson on the payroll or cutting him loose, conceded to Anderson’s truthful, if harshly put, email response to the matter:

Listen, you imbecilic little man child, let me put it into terms your dwarfish brain can understand: I’m Jimmy Anderson. I’m a bridge-making god in this town and you’re going to keep paying me handsomely and you know it…. because you’re too much of a pansy to go through with firing me and frankly not intelligent enough to find anyone as awesome as me.

Now stop wasting my time with this bullshit and let me get back to work, you ignorant bag of filth!

-Jimmy A.

At press time, Snow was seen sobbing into the shoulder of a coworker, hysterically asking why Anderson “has to be so mean?”

-MS.

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Michal Sandersoninski is a self-described “radical leftist” who enjoys making his friends cry while playing the board game Risk “without showing any mercy!” Despite his apparent depraved motivation to “rule the world,” he remains a pretty chill guy, a good friend, a man of great intellect who is informed by his admirable good values.