Written by Anmary W. F. Shelley, Staff Writer.

Somewhere in the Midwest–During a graduation ceremony at a Midwestern community college, an entire family was asked repeatedly to leave after their cheers of praise became overly rambunctious, disruptive, and times frankly obnoxious. The Badger family–consisting of the parents, grandparents, and younger brother of Jane Badger, a graduate receiving her associate of applied science in bookkeeping studies–was flagged by security as they continuously cheered while other graduates’ names were read. “Yea Jane, we love you!” the family apparently continued to cheer intermittently long after the young graduate had walked across the stage to receive her diploma cover.

“The actions of the Badgers family were clearly against appropriate graduation decorum,” said College president Harold Dean, who reportedly stopped the ceremony proceedings midway through the conferral of degrees to address the family directly over the loud speaker: “Whoever that is who’s cheering so loudly, please hold your cheers until the end of the ceremony out of respect for other families listening for their graduate’s name.”

Dean’s message, however, did not faze the Badger family, as they continued to cheer to their mortified graduate, who was seen profusely apologizing to the graduates sitting nearby her. Jane’s brother, Denny, was reported as being especially obnoxious, chanting “Yea Jane, Yea Jane!! WOO OOH!!” before blaring an air horn directly into the faces of parents and family of other graduates within the immediate proximity.

A security guard was forced to use a taser on Denny in order to properly restrain him, whilst the other members of the Badger family were tackled and put in handcuffs by other members of security and police responding to the College’s 911 call. Head of security Chuck Line, who was accused by the Badgers of using excessive force after roundhouse kicking Jane’s grandmother in the face, maintained that “I was protecting the sanctity of the ceremony for other families. If this old hag is going to give me sh*t, she’s going to get a roundhouse kick to the face!” Line was subsequently conferred an Honorary Doctorate of Humane Letters by the College for “exhibiting exceptional valor as well as dedication to the College’s core values.”

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Anmary W. F. Shelley is a professor of Derrida at a small liberal arts college in Iowa.