LOS ANGELES, CA—Timothée Chalamet, the controversial actor who has played Bob Dylan and last year raised eyebrows when he said he’s “in the pursuit of greatness” in his SAG acceptance speech, reportedly took SAG-AFTRA president Sean Astin hostage Sunday afternoon, puzzlingly demanding of the Academy they deliver him his “overdue” Oscar trophy “next Sunday or Samwise Gamgee gets it!”
Referring to Astin’s well-known Lord of the Rings character, Chalamet, with a Glock handgun pointed at the SAG-AFTRA president’s temple, demanded of the Academy: “You woke-ass motherfuckers better gimme my long overdue Oscar or Samwise Gamgee is gonna get a bullet in his bulbous Hobbit head!”
Trying to interrupt Chalamet, Bill Kramer, the CEO of Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, told TTT reporters he had attempted to interject and clarify to Chalamet: “You do realize Mr. Astin is the President of SAG-AFTRA and not the Academy, right?”
“Shut it, you four-eyes, bow-tie-wearing, geeky-ass pencil pusher,” Chalamet erupted at Kramer before “busting a cap” in Kramer’s kneecap. Kramer was later rushed to CHA Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center to receive medical attention for a gunshot wound.
“I’m getting what’s owed to me,” Chalamet demanded. Filled with rage, with unsteady hands wielding the handgun wildly and his face glazed with sweat, Chalamet went into a litany of past Oscars winners, drawing parallels to previous winners:
You mean to tell me you’ll give an Oscar to an Egyptian-ass hoody-wearing recluse pretending to be an AIDS-riddled, weird-toothed rock singer. You’ll give one to an Irish, nonchalant bastard over someone who dedicated six years of his life to learning the craft of conducting. I fully embodied Dylan – A Complete Unknown was my Daniel Day-Lewis in Lincoln moment, and you gave it to some has-been who wore a fat suit! He might as well have been cast in Big Mama’s House! Well, this year’s gonna be different! I devoted myself to learning how to play ping-pong really, really well, and I put up with having to act alongside untrained Kevin O’Leary’s capitalistic ass! If you don’t give me this trophy, I swear, Samwise Gamgee won’t be the last! I’ll raid the Shire and take out Frodo, those clumsy, inept cousins Pippin and Meriadoc. I’ll even put a bullet in Gandalf’s haggard ass!
From an earlier encounter with Chalamet:
The Thirsty Thespian was able to verify that Chalamet had never even seen or read the Lord of the Rings series in film or book versions, calling it “a gay romp for geeks who live in their mother’s basements!”
Chalamet’s hateful tirade was interrupted by a voice that sounded like it was coming from up the stairs: “Timmy, lunch is ready – it’s tomato bisque soup with grilled cheese, just how you like it,” said Nicole Flender, Chalamet’s mother.
“Shut the hell up, mother!” Chalamet snapped “Now is not the time. I’m with my friends. We’re watching Marty Supreme. They wanted to see it,” Chalamet explained, despite TTT reporters objecting that Chalamet had put words in their mouth. “I need to show them how I’ve perfected my form,” he added.
Flender replied, “Okay, honey. But your friend, Sean Penn, left a message for you.” Chalamet, visibly annoyed, though equally intrigued, responded: “Well? What did Sean have to say?”
There was a pause. “Umm. Let me see.”
“Mom, what did he say! I don’t have all day!” Chalamet shouted.
“Ah, here it is. He said, ‘”Sorry, my condolences,’ that he seen that your chances for winning the Oscar had dropped and that you’re now in second place, according to Polymarket. Oh, I’m sorry, honey!”
“Mom, shut it!” Chalamet again erupted, adding, “was that all he said?”
“No, he said that you can have his trophy because it’s looking very good that he’ll win, for ‘OBAA,’ but he added that he doesn’t even want it. He repeated that several times.”
Chalamet, red-faced with rage, blurted out: “I don’t want that piece of shit! Mom! Can you call him back and ask him if he’ll give me the other one, for Mystic River, Best Actor in a Leading Role? I’ll take that one.”
At press time, Chalamet, escorting the rest of the Oscars voter hostages through the bowels of the Dolby Theater, stopped when they ran into a seemingly disheveled Adrien Broady, holding an Oscars trophy. “Adrien? What are you still doing, brother? “Is that your trophy from last year?” Chalamet asked Brody, to which Brody offered a half-smile
-TTT.
The Thirsty Thespian 