NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY—U.S. Dictator Donald J. Trump reportedly instructed newly confirmed loyalist FBI Director Kash Patel to investigate the “likely extremist beliefs” and “Leftist communist ideology” at the center of “this so-called ‘Streetlight Manifesto,'” which the White House was briefed was actually the name of a New Brunswick-based ska band. The new Director of the FBI wasn’t aware that the word “Manifesto” used in the OG ska group’s name was tied to any literal written declaration. “I Googled them and they appear to be a ska-punk band, but I assured the President that if there is any funny business going on with this group, I will find it,” Patel said with the same odd stare in his White House portrait that suggests a possible backstory where Patel is kept waiting despite desperately needing to take a shit.

Trump had apparently become aware of the group at a luncheon, catered by McDonalds, given for White House staff. The then-transfixed, toe tapping Trump inquired about the musical group playing on a Spotify playlist curated by a White House intern, to which the intern replied: “Streetlight Manifesto.” On hearing the name, Trump, described by Patel, was then “reminded of domestic terrorist Ted Kaczynski, who he had heard wrote a manifesto once; he then abruptly told me I needed to investigate these guys.”

Trump, seemingly grasping at straws, pointed to a couplet within the lyrics for the song “Point / Counterpoint” off the group’s 2003 smash debut album Everything Went Numb as the sole piece of probable cause to launch a full-scale FBI investigation into the group’s origins and possible connections to domestic terrorism:

“With a vest on my chest, a bullet in my lung 

I can’t believe I’m dying with my song unsung.”

“Sounds like a terrorist plot to me,” said Trump, eating a filet o’ fish from McDonalds. “Who is this group working for? Al-Qaeda?” The White House Music Historian (who reportedly was wearing a pair of checkered Vans-brand low top sneakers) insisted the “vest” that Streetlight Manifesto lead singer Tomas Kalnoky described was not a “suicide bomber vest but actually a bullet proof vest,” a correction which led said Music Historian to lose his job. Trump, however, quickly pointed to Kalnoky’s surname as a possible national security threat (Kalnoky is Czechoslovakian-born, though he grew up in New Jersey). At first, Trump assumed Kalnoky may be a Ukrainian ally; however, when told that Kalnoky was only born in Czechoslovakia, had grown up in America through the appropriate channels, attended a Jersey high school, and graduated from Rutgers University, Trump insisted Kalnoky be deported to his native Czechoslovakia. “We don’t know what these eastern Europeans have planned,” Trump explained. “99 songs of ‘Revolution‘ sure sounds like communism to me,” Trump said, describing a title of one of the group’s albums, consisting of mostly cover songs, and its track listing containing no conceivable connection to communist ideology. Trump, stubborn, instructed Patel to investigate any connection with Kalnoky and “radical Left communists AOC and Bernie Sanders,” based on the “Revolution” the album apparently described.

When pressed for more, Trump pointed to the group’s connection to an earlier group, Catch 22, which Kalnoky also fronted, as another potential red flag. “Catch 22 is full of anti-capitalism themes and it’s critical of our beautiful Christian Religion,” said Trump, apparently confusing the ska band with Joseph Heller’s 1961 satirical war novel by the same name, which is not the same thing, TTT reporters were able to confirm.

Trump, highly critical of the group and its possible connection to communist ideology, noted that the group is also anti-American in apparently exhibiting “highly nasty, derogatory behavior toward women.” “They engage a practice known as ‘skanking,'” said Trump, adding, “Our beautiful American women should not have to be slut-shamed! They are beautiful and deserve respect!” Trump, mistaken in the practice he described, was apparently unaware of the distinct dance style practiced by fans of ska music, which does not involve derogatory name calling directed at women.

Though it is a moot point based on Trump’s misunderstanding of a music culture he likely doesn’t understand, the Thirsty Thespian editorial board noted that Trump, who has used derogatory, sexual assault-normalizing language and who was himself found civilly liable for sexual abuse of a woman, has no place to judge. At press time, Trump issued an executive order banning the female gender, further cementing his hypocrisy.

-TTT.