WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA—In a shocking turn of events, late Friday evening American Dictator Donald J. Trump issued an executive order indicating his intention to permanently ban the female gender from the United States, a gender which he apparently viewed as “woke” and exhibiting “radical left” tendencies, describing in the executive order “particularly ugly women” and “liberal white women” to be those among the female gender most likely to espouse liberal ideology. While we at the Thirsty Thespian believe that Trump’s executive order is mostly partisan, our staff was unable to confirm whether Trump was perpetuating partisan politics without risking having our publication shut down for exhibiting a “radical left” tilt. It is unclear whether banning non-liberal women was originally part of Trump’s intent, but the order was very straightforward: “All women must now identify as Male, henceforth the only recognized (and much more righteous) Gender,” Trump’s order reads. Trump, who has previously been critical of gender “ideology,” particularly trans rights, showed hues of hypocrisy in banning the female gender, and it remains to be seen whether Trump will allow “gender-affirming care” to the women who “now must identify as Male,” as Trump demands.

Also apparently banned in the order include “WOKE” races, which Trump clarifies to be “non-White.” These non-white races, Trump instructs, “must now wear White face or be immediately be deported to wherever you came from.” Trump ended the order simply by exclaiming: “Muslims are banned!” – an apparent callback to the birtherism conspiracy theories Trump heaved at President Barack Obama back in 2008.

-TTT.