Written by Michal Sandersoninski, Staff Writer.
One local, White Caucasion family has discovered that they have South African familial roots and has taken action to “better embrace their ethnic origins.” Jason and Maggie Jones (pictured above), having no previous knowledge of their cultural or racial histories, recently enrolled in a six month trial run with Ancestry.com to “learn more about their ancestors.” After participating in a genetics test, it was revealed that Jason is in fact 1% South African, a figure he has taken to heart.
“It’s crazy. I never would have thought I would be African!” An enthusiastic Jason exclaimed. “It really changes my perspective on things, especially how I should raise my kids to best accommodate their history.”
Since the news, the Joneses have joined a drum circle, which meets once-per-week, to “better enrich spiritual ties,” and Jason and Maggie have started a savings account with the goal of a trip to the “homeland” in two-years time.
“I’m so happy Jason, Jeremy, and Ruth will have the opportunity to see their ancestral grounds, breathe the air their great great great grandparents breathed, eat the food meant for their African palates,” Maggie commented while smiling at her husband.
“Yes, but in the mean time, living in this country with all that’s been going on…” Jason shook his head. “I just don’t know.”
When asked to elaborate on what he meant by this concerned stance on American living, Jason replied, “Just look at the news! I need to tell my kids to look out for the police. I don’t want them to become another Black statistic!” Jason looked out the window at the neighboring house. “I really need to ask the Monroes how they’ve managed all those years as African Americans.”
The Monroe family has lived next to the Joneses for five years and have only expressed kind words about them; however, Jason and Maggie’s new claims of “Blackness” have struck Yolanda and Sheila Monroe as more than just a little odd.
“I don’t know what they are talking about, but Jason and Maggie must be some of the Whitest people I have ever met, ‘African roots’ or no,” Yolanda commented. Sheila added that their new change of lifestyle is “a bit insensitive, and possibly racist.”
“As someone who actually has brown skin, I find it irritating and, frankly, a little offensive that they have started adopting what they’re calling ‘Black characteristics,'” Sheila exclaimed. “We’ve started to hear drums going at the crack of dawn… and chanting! At this rate, they’re going to be wearing lion skins and spear hunting in the park by the end of the month.”
Regardless of possible interpretations of their new lifestyle, the Joneses have no intention of ceasing to experience their “heritage to the greatest historical accuracy.”
Michal Sandersoninski is a self-described “radical leftist” who enjoys making his friends cry while playing the board game Risk “without showing any mercy!” Despite his apparent depraved motivation to “rule the world,” he remains a pretty chill guy, a good friend, a man of great intellect who is informed by his admirable good values.