Written by Adolf J. Trump, Guest Writer.
Adam Lazzara, front man of the popular make-girls-shout emo band Taking Back Sunday, was seen Friday outside a Lake Villa, Illinois hookah bar-turned music venue where he was reportedly passing out free CDRs containing a 5-song EP from his new side project, on which he ascribed the name “Taking Back Lazzara” with a black Sharpie permanent marker.
Lazzara was apparently “not on the bill” as the venue has a strict “no covers policy,” despite Lazarra’s repeatedly telling a different story, to which the venue proprietor, a bearded man named Chubs, said, “Yea right, buddy. Whatever you want to do in your spare time is fine with me, but do it somewhere else.”
Lazzara’s band Taking Back Sunday released their latest full-length album, Happiness Is, in the spring of 2014, but his fellow band members have continually “been worried” about Lazzara, who has supposedly been re-recording TBS songs and playing them live on an acoustic guitar, sometimes accompanied by a vigorous tamborine player named Hans, calling his “artistic expression” a “variation on a theme.” According to the 34-year old vocalist, “TBS is its own thing, but this is me.”
Former Taking Back Sunday member Fred Mascherino, who “left the band to be wildly more successful” and viewed the band as “in decline” on his departure, spent some time with Lazzara weeks before his Illinois sighting. “He seemed like the same old Adam, except a little stuck in the past.” Concerned about Lazzara’s incessant use of the psychoactive drug MDMA (or more commonly known as ecstasy) and “love all” philosophy, Mascherino appeals to Lazzara that he is “Cute without the ‘e.'”
Passers-by of the venue reported Lazzara as greeting young show-goers with CDRs containing his EP, encased in the same type of brown lunch bags one’s mother used to pack lunches, and friendly appeals to “Tell all your friends,” which were viewed as “desperate” as the “lingering stare” Lazzara had that was quickly stopped by protective boyfriends.
One such fellow, Damien Ross, 21, a college football player for Illinois, said he “just wanted to break [Lazzara],” to whom he referred to as “the creep,” “down so badly.” He added: “In the worst way.”
Lazzara, who was particularly hotheaded, attempted to fight Ross, claiming he would get “his boys” to back him up, immediately calling every Taking Back Sunday band member, all of whom were apparently unreachable, perhaps purposely so. Still, Ross said “To hell with all [Lazzara’s] friends,” socking the 34-year old singer in the eye, after which point Lazzara’s demeanor changed to profusely apologetic.
After this, Lazzara was told to leave the premises immediately, lest the proper authorities would be notified of his “creepy loitering and attempted assaults on several of the guests.” Damien Ross, on the other hand, who physically battered Lazzara, was viewed as “not to blame” and got off scot-free.
Ross, who admitted he was at one point a Taking Back Sunday fan, commented that he thought Lazzara’s actions were “unjustifiable” and that his musical activities outside of the Taking Back Sunday were “ultimately derivative.” He added, “Lazzara’s a creep. And his ‘new’ music is self-congratulatory and superficially nostalgic at best.”
Adolf J. Trump previously performed briefly with the German boy band Schnell! but was kicked out for lack of talent. He has also served as “judge” on America’s Got Talent but was was ill-received for being “anti-American.” Most recently, he has joined the Insane Clown Posse as a touring guitarist and backup vocalist, and while ICP members regard his “lack of guitar and vocal abilities consistent with the band,” they have expressed dissatisfaction with his random and often “off-tempo racial slurs.” ICP front men Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope clarified that “racial slurs are always welcome in ICP, so long as they’re properly timed and choreographed.” Trump is a current candidate in the race for the Republican nomination for president.