EUROPE AND THE UNITED STATES—In a quickly developing story, first reported in Extreme Tech, a joint-study between European and US-based astrophysicists has turned unsavory; researchers, who had previously accessed photographic evidence providing “A First Peek Inside Uranus,” were caught on camera pleasuring themselves to pictures of Uranus. HR documents that the Thirsty Thespian has obtained from NASA unearth the dirty details:

“Yeah, that’s hot,” NASA senior researcher Howard Chodely, PhD, had apparently said in describing the upper atmospheric properties of Uranus, as recorded in the transcript from inside the NASA control room, which is under 24-hour surveillance, due to previous incidents. “Zoom in. I want to get a better look. Oh, yeah. That’s real hot. I’d like to ride my Rover all over that sweet, pure, perky soil and collect samples,” Chodely said, with the transcript describing his breathing as “heavy and uneven.” What’s more, footage obtained, though obscured due to its poor angle toward Chodely’s back, could faintly detect Choadley inserting his hand into his pants, which was supplemented by the sound of a pants zipper followed by audible moaning, grunts, and utterances like, “Oh, yeah. You like that, you gaseous, little planetary, slut?”

At press time, Chodely was theorizing how deeply they could insert a solar probe into Uranus. “I bet I could get the whole thing in there, nice and deep, not just the tip.”

-TTT.