WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA—The Vice President of the United States of America, who is rumored to be sexually attracted to fine, velvety luxurious couches (though it’s not confirmed), was caught embroiled in a passionate, sexual act with a gaming console under the subdued, seductive perimeter glow of the White House’s Private Movie Theater Monday afternoon. The gaming console, ostensibly worn and tainted by adolescent escapades, appeared to be a 2000s-era Xbox – likely the same console trampled by Vance, with wonton desire and audible grunting, within the thick, steamy air of the Vice President’s then-dorm room at Ohio State University, from which he graduated in 2009, summa cum laude, with a degree in political science and philosophy.

A TIMELINE OF EVENTS:

Monday, February 17^th:

When confronted, Vance, like a stuck pig, squealed, “It’s my SexBox!”

White House Staff attempted to seize the makeshift “SexBox” from Vance, met with a scuffle and stark opposition.

“Shirlena!” yelped Vance (the apparent name he’d ascribed to the inanimate object), clutching the gaming console desperately, though his grip, slipping, was unsteady, his sweat-drenched hands losing leverage with each pull. Upon closer examination of the Xbox after White House Staff had yanked it from the spent Vice President’s hands, the staff found a noticeable, if small, hole in its rear wall – apparently jaggedly cut by Vance with a jigsaw to fashion the gaming console into a makeshift sex toy. The ring left behind was now partly crusty, from years of abuse, and partly glazed in a diluted milk-like substance.

Tuesday, February 18^th: 

• Morning: Usha Vance, J.D. Vance’s wife, though used to her husband’s unusually perverse masturbation habits and history as a “4Chan misogynistic troll,” expressed extreme disgust from the incident, having apparently requested a trial separation, moving in with family to distance herself from her husband.
• Afternoon: Speaker of the House Mike Johnson and his son approached Vance, with outstretched arms and from a place of unconditional love, to offer Vance needed morale support, to fight his sexual “demons” – Johnson and his son, able and willing, having recently have monitored each other’s porn habits. 
• Evening: Although the Johnson family had “honorable” intent, White House Staff was horrified to find these attempts had devolved, Vance, Johnson, and son apparently caught again in the act, taking turns humping the Xbox.

Wednesday, February 19^th: 

The President of the United States, who is a convicted felon and civically liable sexual abuser,  praised the Vice President for his crafty ingenuity, calling him “a great guy with big ideas,” who is “helping make America great again.” Of the SexBox, Trump called Vance’s grungy, sex-worn gaming console “just tremendous.” He added, “Believe me, that SexBox is a big, beautiful, womanly thing,” but added, “Trump doesn’t take sloppy seconds – anyone who does, that’s just sad! America loves Trump, like a big, beautiful, fuckable American pie, or our tremendous American Flag, which I’ve made sweet love to on many occasions, Trump is like Neil Armstrong, taking one big, beautiful leap for human fucking kind!”

At press time, Donald Trump, the current President of the United States, who attempted to overthrow a fair and free election and incited an insurrection, while also pardoning criminals who violently attacked Capitol Police officers, and despite all these disgusting, criminal acts, was still somehow elected president by an absurd electorate, had flown on Airforce One from Washington, D.C., to New York.

At NYU, where his son Baron is currently a student, Trump had been seen by suitemates forcefully confiscating his son’s Xbox, to use it for similar sexual gratification exhibited by his seemingly sexually depraved Vice President. Trump had gloated to Baron’s bunkmate, of his confiscation:

“You see, kid. You could learn from Trump. I don’t even wait. I didn’t ask Baron to use his Xbox. It’s myXbox. It’s Trump’s SexBox! When you’re a real gamer, and a big shot like me, you just take it. You can grab anyone’s console by the pussy – I can do anything! I’m King! I take what I want.”

-TTT.