MENLO PARK, CA—In concerted, albeit ostensibly desperate, effort to stay relevant while simultaneously providing its customers with new, “revolutionary” features “they didn’t even know they wanted,” today Meta Platforms, Inc., doing business as “Meta,” and previously known as “Facebook, Inc.” and earlier “TheFacebook, Inc.,” has rebranded itself as “AI.” 

The new company, now known simply as AI, is no stranger to opportunistic pivots, last changing its name to “Meta Platforms, Inc.” to seize on the so-called “metaverse,” to minimal success (perhaps in part due to the rushed rollout and reportedly dumb-as-hell avatars).

Nonetheless, AI is convinced that AI is the new, revolutionary technology that AI can build for the shareholders of AI.

“We are prepared to fully seize the powers of artificial intelligence, combining them with our company’s rich history of spammy ads, severe psychological trauma, and social engineering ploys complete with our tendency to just look the other way, as well as our mantra, ‘Move fast and break shit.” We are convinced that AI, the new name of our company, best reflects our new business priorities, the huge potential we see, and the “good” to humanity the AI products of AI, the company, will bring. We absolutely see no down side! Oh, and we’re also laying off 95% of our workforce to focus our efforts on hiring AI engineers, I’m humbly accepting a $3 billion bonus, and no women will be allowed to work in this new vision of the company, where masculinity is our utmost Northstar.

Mark Zuckerberg, the CEO of “AI”

Zuckerberg added: “Look, Tim Apple (sic) took a half-step when he branded his company’s AI tools as Apple Intelligence (or AI for short), as if to say Apple is synonymous with AI and releasing a series of ads in which their users are portrayed as stupid as fuck. We all know that’s the end goal—to make the human race dumb as hell so they’re too ignorant to think for themselves, and too dull, devoid of a discerning eye needed to realize we’re just selling them useless garbage.  We’re ready to go full raw dog into America’s collective asshole with this unsolicited AI bullshit by changing our company name to AI! By the way, this is all off the record, right – I don’t think AI customers should know what my true intent is, though they’re probably too dumb for it to affect them in any meaningful way.”

-TTT.