Written by Sylvester Stallone, Jr., Staff Writer.
Esteemed television actor David Duchovny announced in a press release following the seventh episode of the reemerging 14-years-in-coming X-Files series that he would be stepping down from the show. Duchovny, who played the lead character- FBI Extraterrestrial Specialist Fox Mulder, has supposedly lost total passion for the series, stating: “It doesn’t turn me on anymore.” The actor has been relatively secretive of his personal life since news of his sex addiction swept the nation back in 2008; however, this has changed quickly in light of his recent return to the screen. In a relatively lengthy interview at his “pleasure mansion” this Sunday, Duchovny revealed in excruciating detail his dwindling attraction for the X-Files.
“It all began with the title,” Duchovny sighed, fingers gently stroking his guitar as he stared longingly at his lover (to remain unnamed). Apparently, he and one of the series’ current directors Chris Carter had an early falling out over the show’s name:
“I told Chris before starting it up again to rename the series… The XXX-Files… something striking, you know? Sexy.”
Duchovny then revealed Carter’s distaste for the name, stating that Carter “sort of looked at me with that red-faced astonishment a lion gets as it mounts its mate.” Carter, of course, refused the suggested title, supposedly stating it was “foul” and that “he didn’t get paid enough for this (censored).”
This was not Duchovny’s last tango in Paris. As expected, things soon turned weird.
“Well, I got in trouble right off,” Duchovny smirked and shook his head. “James Wong caught me doing some improv backstage.” During the shooting of the season’s third episode, Duchovny was reportedly acting inappropriately with one of the props, a mutated alien bust, during a coffee break. Director James Wong had gone into one of the trailers to retrieve old footage for comparison, when he heard what sounded like horse neighing emanating from the back of the trailer.
“See, we had just started shooting an episode about mutated entities, so of course I was a little unnerved,” Wong reported in a press release. Upon further investigation, Wong discovered a half-naked Duchovny fondling the alien bust on the floor in a state of pure ecstasy. The moment has since comically come to be known by actors and crew as the DUFO: David’s Unidentified (censored) Object.
“It was that skin prosthetic stuff… how could I resist?” Duchovny said, plucking his guitar with intense, rigid excitement. “I still remember her name…” He paused and then proceeded to sloppily play the tune to “Oh my Darling Clementine” and softly sing the words: “Oh my Yoda, Oh my Yoda, Oh my darling Yoda’s mine!”
After an awkward ten minutes of singing, dancing, and games involving a sombrero and a pool noodle, Duchovny settled down onto the lap of his lover, sombrero tactfully placed in front of him, and revealed his real reason for leaving the show.
“They wanted me gone after that alien incident, but how could they get rid of me? I was the (censored) star! I could do anything I wanted and all they could do is slap my hand.” Duchovny paused and kissed his lover passionately for a moment, then turned away. “That’s when it hit me.” He stared absently into the distance. “I wasn’t hard anymore.”
Apparently, Duchovny had filmed every episode of the 10 season series (with exception to the most recent episodes) in various states of physical and emotional arousal. It wasn’t until filming the second half of the tenth season that he began to notice dramatic reductions in performance. “It started with a murmur… just above the goose gobbler,” Duchovny said matter-of-factly (no clarification of “goose gobbler” was given). “I ignored it at first… figured it was another one of those spasms that comes with middle age.”
Co-star Gillian Anderson, who had skyped-in from London to offer her contribution to the interview, commented on her acting partner’s performance, stating: “It wasn’t as intense as usual… I mean, he was really lame. Kinda just flopped around set.”
“He was still Detective Mulder, but my Fox was long gone,” Anderson added, near tears. Duchovny nodded in somber agreement.
In wake of Duchovny’s sudden departure from the show, multiple A-list actors have offered to take his place in the role, most prominently celebrity look-alike Josh Hopkins, Jared Leto, and recent Oscar Nominee Sylvester Stallone.