Written by Theodore Rafael (Rafi) Cruise, Staff Writer.
New York–Fans of Donald Trump, the inevitable nominee for the republican party, who, since as early as August has been an unstoppable force to be reckoned with, celebrate in the streets this morning as their candidate picked up considerable gains during Super Tuesday’s primaries last night. However, the business mongol is singing a different tune this morning, announcing that he no longer wishes to be president. “The presidency isn’t huge enough,” Trump said. He went on, “For my mouth.”
Trump, who has apparently been a diehard Insane Clown Posse fan since their formation, has decided that he has put his dream to follow the band on hold for far too long. “I’ve always enjoyed their evangelical undertones,” he said, clarifying, “or perhaps… overtones.” He went on, “I especially like how they cram their views down fans’ mouths. It reminds me of my own past presidential aspirations. I admire when a man takes what he wants… it’s incredibly sexy.”
Trump, giving an impassioned speech about his decision to drop out of the race, told fans “it’s time for me to do what is in my heart.” He remarked, after much anticipation, that it has been a longtime dream of his to be an Insane Clown Posse “groupie.”
Trumps fans, who have long been criticized as homophobic, were livid when the Apprentice host implied his sexuality as something other than heterosexual. Trump, in a later interview discussing those disapproving fans, said, “[censored] ’em. They’re fired!”
Trump, who until this point has been able to do pretty much whatever he wants with regards to the election, demanded that, in his absence, the nomination must be fought for in a nude mud wrestle match. Ted Cruz, who has been criticized as an out-of-touch, prejudiced conservative, when was asked what he thought of Trump’s demands, said, “I’d rather not,” Cruz said. “But I suppose if it’s the only way I get the nomination, I’d have to take it under advisement.” Marco Rubio, on the other hand, seemed far less troubled about the idea. “[censored] it,” Rubio exclaimed. “Sign me up. I’ll mud wrestle anyone–Cruz, Kasich, Carson.” He added,”Hell, I’d take on the entire Republican party, for Christ’s sake.” The 41 year old republican talked so excitedly and breathlessly that he was nearly blue in the face. After catching his breath, he added, “I’ll do whatever it takes.”
Walking off the stage to an at first stunned-silent crowd, former Trump supporters began roaring in disapproval, almost instantly chasing Trump with torches and pitchforks, which apparently all Trump supporters carry in case a need for an angry mob presents itself.
The former republican party candidate, dressed in a nicely pressed suit and sporting ICP makeup, was immediately greeted by reporters, all of whom were interested in finding the extent to which Trump’s Insane Clown Posse fetishized fandom spread. “Well, as a republican, I have long supported ICP’s suspicion of science.” Trump referred to the group’s famed song Miracles, in which the lead singer exclaims, “[censored] magnets, how do they work? / And I don’t want to talk to a scientist. / Ya’ll [censored] lying, and getting me pissed.”
Trump added, “Scientists? [censored] ’em. Global warming? [censored] it. Why are we trying to waste taxpayer dollars on liberal myths? We should be focusing on building a wall.”
Before the enigmatic man left the venue, he beat his chest aggressively, giving a peace sign to reporters and shouting emphatically, “Juggalo fo life!”
Meanwhile, Insane Clown Posse frontmen Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, on being asked what they thought of Trump’s modest proposal, responded in unison, “We’re always looking for new talent.” The band, currently touring, invited Donald to join them on their tour bus immediately following the official termination of his campaign.
Rafi Cruise–lawyer, politician, Eskimo brother–serves as a writer-in-the-field for TTT. As resourceful as he is weird, he always comes to work well fed and brings a unique perspective to TTT. He holds a B.A. in investigative journalism from Boston University and a J.D. from Harvard Law. Prior to coming to TTT, he worked for the Boston Globe, where he was lauded as the most truthful reporter in the history of the Globe.